IN TRANSIT

hello sunshine

2008-06-01T19:10:00.005+08:00

i find something unreal about happy people. it seems like that they are mocking me with that sunshine disposition of theirs. i get pissed with the fact that such persons look at life at the bright side while i tend to magnify the bleaker part of it. i realized that there's so many things to be worry about and there seems to be nothing to smile at. i can't get over the fact that shit happens and there's nothing that i can do to avoid it. since day one, it had been preached that being a happy is all about a matter of attitude. i guess this is one thing that is hard to do since it has always been my nature to bitch about anything i see that is unpleasant. another thing, my life is down the drain at this point in time. i'm not saying that out of a distorted suicidal kind of thinking. no, that is objective reality. so i guess it's really hard--to be happy when there's a ton of bullsh*t in your face.

pet peeves and personal issues

2008-02-29T16:25:00.005+08:00

Most of the time, I find my self in a company of nerdy-dorks talking about politics. They argue with each other with so much passion and conviction as if their minds have the monopoly of truth. I find myself taciturn and just laughing inside my head. Why can't you nerdy-dorks just bring it to a brawl and settle who's right or wrong in that way?

I also have a problem with some people using some law school lingo in their everyday conversations. One time, some person denied me his treat over dinner saying, "You're ESTOPPED from CLAIMING your libre because you did not INVOKE your RIGHT to it when you used your own cash for your dinner!" Ugh. These people seem to be making a career out of being law students.
Sarap sapakin..

I guess i have a lot of issues. Some people can easily appreciate the good behind these seemingly trying days while I'm still stationary at some point in the past and refusing to accept the fact that I'm getting older. For one, I still don't know how to deal with pressure and some people mistake it for being calm. The truth is I don't want to risk too much of my effort for fear of failure or maybe I'm just plain lazy. That kept me standing in the meantime but I'm just bothered by such disposition for not facing squarely what's in front of me. I'm surrounded by obnoxiously serious people but I still have this apathetic stance that i equate to signs of incompetence. The question just keeps on popping in my head, when will i grow up?

quarter life crisis

2008-01-20T16:36:00.003+08:00

this is a forwarded message, something that i find so relevant...

"Being Twenty-Something"

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

last stretch

2007-10-17T21:40:00.001+08:00

1 week and four exams to go and i'm off with my sembreak. 5 months straight spent in that godforsaken place called the law school with my everyday life basically limited to a sleep-eat-study-sleep routine has left me deranged and pretty much suicidal. i can't wait to see the mountains and the ricefields.

summer ends

2007-06-11T23:36:00.000+08:00

Back to law school tomorrow...

I feel like I'm growing old too fast in that place.

And I have this fear that my youth will soon be a memory.

that rustic lure

2007-05-22T15:32:00.001+08:00

After almost 2 months of idle time spent in the boondocks, I'll be leaving for the city again tomorrow night. I will badly miss being a bum for sure. There's nothing more relaxing than having control of your time and the pace of your life. This is just one of the perks of the rural life, in contrast to the stress of the city. But over the last few weeks, I was able to take notice of other things in the pastoral setting.

Just this elections, my dad pushed me to get some work. I was the paralegal for Manny Villar in the provincial level. For 5 days, my time was eaten up by tallying the results, waiting for the other ballot boxes from the far-flung municipalities, and having a small talk with people who were there as watchers, paralegals or counsels for the candidates.

It has been a while since I was truly able to mingle with strangers from my hometown. My previous breaks on that place were just spent inside our house--sleeping, drinking with old friends, bumming around. Out of working the elections, I was able to experience that mysterious lure of the rustic life. I get surprised by the generosity and friendliness of strangers considering that I psyched myself a long time ago that strangers are no-good cynical bastards, driven by the instinct for self-preservation in a dog eat dog world. My initial reaction towards these friendly advances was a cold, stern face but in the end I melt out of gratitude over their sincerity. In this place, I still can trust people. But in the city, things are different. Competition is the mindset of the crowd. You can see it everywhere--in the streets, in the mrt, etc. Accomodation is losing its place in the interpersonal dealings of people in that wretched place.

I also realized another thing. Social division is greatly blurred here. We don't live by with the classification of conos and jologs in our minds. Everyone's equal in the eyes of everyone. This may sound corny, but you get judged here by who you are as a person, not by what you have.

I guess these things partly explain what an old bicolano lawyer once told me. "The challenge is in the city, but happiness is in bicol."

this world has a problem with me

2007-04-28T05:12:00.002+08:00

I woke up yesterday at around 2pm already. I was still a bit drowsy when I took a glimpse of my phone. I came to my senses when I realized that I had 20 missed calls and a lot of text messages. I panicked, thinking that a lot of important things could have happened in the world while I was just dozing off and got left behind. The calls were from two of my classmates. According to them, our prof was asking if I was able to submit some important work over a month ago when the semester was about to end. One classmate said, ‘gago ka roobs, di mo naemail kay sir gawa natin, mali yung email ad. Baka bagsakin tayo nun!’. I was the one who emailed his work because the address he used was wrong and he just asked me to email it along with mine, with him thinking that I got the right one. Taking a defensive stance, I find it brazen for him to blame me. Someone can help you out but don’t expect him to be perfect. And i hate his AQs, SEOs, KEOs in his text messages. Damnit!

According to the text message, the remedy was to email our work by 1pm. But it was already past 2pm.. I lambasted myself for waking up late or putting that phone on silent mode and by simply being stupid for getting the wrong address. I still persisted in submitting it though it’s almost 3:30 already. The world was falling apart again. I will get a failing grade aggravated by the fact that somebody’s pissed with me.

I called up my teacher, he wasn’t answering. It took a while before I was able to talk to him. I explained myself for all my lameness and incompetence. I was left with nothing but to appeal to his pity. He asked one important question, that is, if I already sent it again. I said yes. He was not angry but he was hurrying the conversation.

Our prof’s a 'nice' guy. He prefers to be called by his first name only even in the classroom. During the midterms, he gave plus points to those students who came up to him to appeal the results. You just have to make a fool of your self in front of him and he’ll give you some points. But he’s biased. The girls got higher plus points. One girl had an initial score of 22 and she got additional 20 points. Meanwhile, the boys will only get around 5 points. Too bad, I’m not a girl.

Our final grades will be out on Monday. Thinking about my imminent doom made me anxious. I have to calm my self down so I need to drink. 2 friends were with me and the rounds eventually ended. As we were on our way home at almost 1am, we figured in a vehicular accident. Some reckless fool of a tricycle driver just came speeding by from our right side. Though we were drunk, we had the right of turn and we were the ones on the main road. My friend who was at the passenger seat got bruises and a bleeding face and I have to rush him to the hospital while my other friend who was the driver negotiated the matter with the fuckin ungas. I spent almost 2 hours in the hospital and luckily, it turns out that he’s ok. I went home still shaken by the accident.

I’m online now. And I have just discovered that the purported corrected email address does not exist! My classmate who gave me the address was wrong again. I sent it again, this time with an ‘intelligent guess’ of what truly is the damn email add. But my prof’s has probably run out of patience. It's almost 5 am. I’m dead.

What a day it has been. I just want to sleep and cut off all the bad luck. There are those days that are just incredibly bad that you'll have the impression that all the universe conspires to make you snap like a twig.

turnaround

2006-10-26T12:18:00.000+08:00

yesterday could probably be my last day in law school.

i went to the chapel before my last exam. i asked for one thing, that i'm being backed up by the hands of providence no matter what happens-kicked out or not or even on probation come november.

i remembered the previous time i went there. that was on the first day of school. i remembered asking for a purpose in being in law school. i know law school was not my liking especially at that time.

it worries me a bit this time around about what the results will be. i feel like if i got kicked out, it would be a bit of a hurt. i don't want this 'venture' to end up as a tragedy.

i guess the lesson will be: decisions require resolution and deliberation. fool.

advance grace-saver

2006-09-11T22:12:00.000+08:00

results for criminal law and statutory construction are out already. well, i got 92 in statcon, highest is 95. and i got 82 in crim, a major subject. the highest in our class is some nerd who got 85.

congratulations to me!!! this is some boost to my morale. i just want to inflate my head considering these things:
1.) i don't like law school, therefore i don't study that much. others are simply too nerdy, even in applying the 'law school standard' for a nerd
2.) some people think that i'm stupid just because my recits are sablay . how sweet is redemption. writing is my niche anyway.

i'm satisfied already. i know i don't have to prove anything here. so what if the results for the other subjects are not so ok. hell, i can always say that i didn't study that much. it's ok for me to get kicked out. if that happens i know the reason behind it is not because i'm a dumb ass. i just don't have the passion for law.

bday blues

2006-08-21T05:03:00.000+08:00

yeah, it's my bday. law school says, so what?? i should be studying my ass off right away because it's my midterms on consti on tuesday. i've down 108 pages out of 290 and i still have to memorize, though. procrastination got over me most of this sunday. oh, tomorrow's supposed to be another exam day but it was moved to wednesday. if not so, ninoy will get mad. so, things still do run with a bit of mercy. oh, really?

anyway, though i'm in law school for more than two months now, once in a while, i still get that state of disbelief with the metamorphosis of my life. it's just incredible to find my self in this crap which is in sharp contrast with the life i had in college, last year, or 3 months ago.

i guess spending my birthday with that consti treatise of fr. bernas is one of law school's shock treatments. it's harsh. all i can say is that being here perhaps has its purpose on me--live with stress, dispense the EMO thing in me (no matter how fucked up you are, you should study, unlike in college when i have a stupid, selfish, senseless problem; i would just forget about the whole world!), learn dicipline. these were the reasons why i chose to be here--to subject myself to difficulties so that i would improve myself as a person. sometimes, i do want to slap myself for that. oh well, god knows how long i deserve to be here. come to think of it, my purpose here has been served already. i do learn some things already--i relaized i was a self-centered brat back in college. with that, maybe i became less of a person who compalains and rants about anything diminutively negative.

happy birthday to me. i'm 21 now. yes, welcome to the more acute realities of life.

crazy thoughts

2006-07-19T22:44:00.000+08:00

law school's so mentally exhausting and emotionally draining that sometimes, a jeering voice inside my head tells me to retreat back to the hinterlands, hole up in the boondocks, build a nipa hut, and tend to a stupid subsistence-level farm.life, then, would be so simple.
hey, that sounds tempting to me...it's no worse than life being deprived of sleeep and limited to reading crappy stuff.

wait, i can't be serious with this.

some 3 weeks ago:
pare, kamusta aral?
ang hirap e, daming pinapabasa. kaw?
o nga e... pare sa sobrang dami mo bang kailangan gawin, umabot na ba sa punto na gusto mo nang magpakamatay??
uuh..

surely, he's exaggerating and trying to be funny. but still, what a brash question, conceiving it must have meant taking a ton of b#llshit on his behalf. and maybe i can say the same things, too.

summer time:
"what profit is there for one to gain the whole world yet forfeit or lose himself?" Lk 9:25
quoted my friend, while he was repenting on a seemingly adverse decision he made for the sake of worldly ambition.

it's not worth the trouble, i guess. perhaps i can say now that there's more to life than chasing the color of green. it's common knowledge but one really has to learn it the hard way.

intro to law: shock treatment

2006-06-19T14:58:00.000+08:00

some noteworthy points uttered by the prof:

some people are simply smarter than you, studying hard is no guarantee that you will pass. and passing does not mean that you will have the right to be retained. you have to to earn higher 'passing' grades. yes, it's the survival of the fittest.

one should have the right reason why he's in lawschool. if he doesn't, sooner or later he'll find himself packing his luggage. one should have the bloody discipline, the unwavering dedication, the unfaltering commitment...

one has to acquire an addiction in lawschool... be nice to yourself, you can't keep all that stress inside you by being sober. one has to unload in his own way.

don't expect to acquire a better sense of morality in law school, especially after you graduate. your morals will be compromised. if you are a goody-goody person, you would be a lousy lawyer. i guess...

law school is a battlefield... you have to fight every other day. being smart is not enough, one should also be stable, emotionally.

---> after the first week of law school, i have this feeling of being intimidated. also, i ask myself, what the fuck is this bullshit that i put myself into??

disillusioned

2006-05-22T22:39:00.000+08:00

sometimes bad things are actually worse than you expect. naive idealism do get mercilessly crushed by that harsh reality. it all boils down to this: it's a crappy world!

drama

2006-05-14T19:56:00.000+08:00

i went to school today, a sunday. yeah, i have no more business there. i just walked around, hopped from one SPG to another. i had no idea that college was really a blast while i was still in it. now, how i badly miss it. it's an emotional baggage that i heve to carry in the future that seems to be a load of crap devoid of fun and spontaniety.

discernment

2006-05-05T13:44:00.000+08:00

i have a slot waiting for me as an incoming law student. i have to enroll on may 10 or else it would be forfeited. i only have a handful of days to decide. my dad is pushing me to go for it because oppournities such as these only come rarely. as for me, i'm a scared ass. being a law student not only demands for a brilliant intellect but also a solid character as well, in my case. as an ideal, i want to pursue law to build my self up much more through all-around challenges. opportunities should be tackled because one has to risk in the possibility of a greater reward. as the cliche goes, 'no guts, no glory'. so much for that thinking, but what if i fail? i can go for the sure option but i'm being mediocre. no matter what, i hope i would be able to arrive at the right decision and don't regret anything.

hangover

2006-04-10T18:19:00.000+08:00

flight from reality is over now. it's back to the world of the mundane. i have to tend to the things that i left behind. for a recent graduate, i have to get serious with hunting a crappy job after all the euphoria of finishing college. the celebrations are over now. it's time to face the real world. anyawy, i'm taking off my option to pursue law. i wasn't even able to get through the interview. it's because i'm getting wasted on an island that is so far away and so different from this concrete jungle on the day of the interview. heck, i only learned about it on the day itself while i was already deep down south.

*i'm so much older than i can take*

it's in my head again

2006-04-02T15:36:00.000+08:00

i learned a few days ago that i got through the first phase of admissions to ateneo law--the written test. next comes the interview. it's not simply a 2-person affair. i would be facing a panel of interviewers. now, that's really intimidating given the fact that i suck at articulating my thoughts. i have a lot of doubts regarding my capbility as a student. for one, i lack enough enlish units for me to be eligible to law. this, alongside with the financial crisis that my family is going through are the two main constraints that's hindering me from trying out law. i know that merely having a 4-year degree course won't get me that far in the future. i've been to makati a few times to deal with employment matters and all i can say is that the situation out there is bleak. it demoralizes me. this is why i'm looking at other options.
anyway, many in our clan are lawyers. i'm proud to say that the brother of my grandfather was the valedictorian of their batch in that school many, many years ago. he passed away only last year. how i wish that i have that intelligence even if it's just a trace. after all, we share the same few ounces of blood. in our young generation, it seems that law is becoming less of an option. i guess the two of my siblings are the only ones taking up the field in the brood. and they're not that brilliant because they don't have enough passion for it. i guess the tradition would be obliterated soon.

about alcohol

2006-03-28T22:21:00.000+08:00

it seems like i'm not that good at drinking anymore. my alcohol tolerance is winding down. i don't know if this is a good thing. maybe i'm not that angsty boy who loves to waste away anymore. yeah, i like to think that i'm getting wiser these days. but hey, drinking sessions can be one of life's best moments.

post-grad

2006-03-27T13:21:00.000+08:00

grad's over. i'm trying to enjoy the moment and simply overlook the void of the future. i know the euphoria is short-lived but i have to live in the "now" first. anyway, the day of graduation had a lot of bloopers on my part. first, i left at the dorm the white piece of cloth that is to be pinned under the school seal of the toga so that my picture would be taken while receiving my pseudo-diploma on stage. I ended up improvising. I torn up a piece of paper from one of the graduation memorabilia and made a pin out of a stapler. i hope the photographer didn't notice. second blooper: wrong handshake with father nebres. at least, i was onstage some seconds longer than i was supposed to be. last: i left my wallet at the dorm while i changed my clothes at the dorm when i went out for the night of celebration. what a day...but i survived.

Blue Roast Song:
"Move On" -Jet

well I've been thinking about the future
but i'm too young to pretend
it's such a waste to always look behind you
should be looking straight ahead

yeah, i'm gonna have to move on
before we meet again
yeah, it's hard
if you have only seen

10:34, flinders street station
i'm looking down the tracks
uniformed man asking: am I paid up
why would i wanna be that?

yeah i'm gonna have to move on
before we meet again
yeah, it's hard
if you have only seen
take control
don't be afraid of me

cause every once in a while
you think about if you're gonna get yourself together
you should be happy just to be alive
and just because you just don't feel like comin' home
it don't mean that you'll never arrive

grad

2006-03-25T10:52:00.000+08:00

tonight's my graduation. it is to be another rite of passage in my life to mark the end of college. whew. all i can say is that the last four years has been the best part of my life so far. yes, i enjoyed college despite some bullshit in it. i surely have a lot to miss. i can say that i am not bitter. not only that, i believe i was able to improve my self with the lessons i had, the things that i went through and the relationships i forged. lastly, i want to thank the people that made college a bit more colorful. good luck to all of them.

college's over

2006-03-07T09:04:00.000+08:00

i finally finished the two bloody-long papers in my fine arts class. they were long due, since Friday last week. that made things official--my academic life has come to an end. it's sinking in now.

after all the school work is done, what's next?
the ambivalence of it all..

a short-term answer to that question:
i should get myself drunk later.

law school?

2006-02-18T23:06:00.000+08:00

i took the ateneo law entrance test today, at a disadvantage. i didn't sleep the night before because of a homework. I did the task twice because a blockmate of mine paid me to do his. and i think it wasn't worth it--300 bucks for a sleepless night. i should take into account the opportunity cost for that next time. while answering the said test, i had to fight off the urge to sleep and fend off the thought that i should just close my eyes and rest my head on my crossed hands on the table, while everyone was fumbling with their testpapers as if it was a living creature about to escape the grip of their hands.
anyone can tell that many people there are about to make or break their plans and dreams. on my side, i was kinda apathtic and i had the temptation to give them some sort of a jinx. but then, the atmosphere inspired me. by the time the test started, i got serious with it and prayed to god that despite all the obstacles, maybe i could be a law student next year. and i let my inner self loose in a rampage of megalomania again. being a lawyer is one hell of a career. but i have to do a reality check because my parents are financially struggling. they wouldn't be able to afford it given the consequences of their lack of foresight/family planning in begetting 6 children in 8 years. i just can't comprehend why they kept on forcing me to take the entrance exam. financial matters is the major reason why i should just be an employee next year. that sucks.

sublime moments

2006-02-12T20:18:00.000+08:00

i learned yesterday afternoon that i'm going to take my philosophy oral exams tomorrow. that's because i wasn't able to sign-up for my preferred schedule, the only slots left are for Monday, prior to 12 noon according to my friend. how irresponsible i can get? but I want to blame my lousy professor for it. Mister X who used to be quite funny gets into my nerves nowadays. primarily because he loves to make examples about love and he makes those hypothetical pairings--him and any girl student in class. and my cynical brain tells me that it's more than an example, it's an insinuatiuon.
anyway, i read a couple of pages of the readings this afternoon, and that's still considered close to point zero. i wasn't able to study saturday night because i got a bit drunk and exhausted. actually, i was just trying to escape reality because i perceive it to be hopeless already--i'm gonna bag another F in an oral exams. i have a reputation for that anyway. i should be worrying my ass out right now but i'm not. well, it's because life's got little surprises. sometimes, there are instances when you can sense that there's a divinity up there who makes things happen somehow. as for me, i had this wish for too long now that i have given up on it and just take life as a harsh reality in the sense that you can't get everything you want. being proven wrong on this area makes me cling tighter to the light. i tend to dwell on that feeling, and be carefree as i can be. i don't give a damn if i get an F as long as that level of elevation is in me. there goes my dreams of being on the dean's list for even one semester in my four years of college but i still have that silly smile on my stupid face.

from the classroom to the corporate world

2006-02-04T17:29:00.000+08:00

yesterday, i had an appetizer of what will happen to me for the next 2 months or so, if ever I will pursue my plans. me and a blockmate went to makati for an interview with a prospective employer. after that, we wandered around the financial capital of this lousy country. so, this is the so-called corporate world, we said to ourselves. then, the fact that the 'classroom' days of my life will come to an end in march sunk in deeper in my head. i don't like that new environment at all. you can definitely sense the competition out there. on my side, i know i don't have to be some sort of megalomaniac anymore. i know that i'm no better than the rest of them. it was now over for me to believe in my naive personal fables back in the earlier years. now, i have too much desire and the ambition that needs to be sated--just like everyone else. but i don't even have a fire-proof plan on how to tackle them. worse, there's the challenge of starting out from scratch. it's only me out there, nobody else would help me out.

do i really see myself in that place for the next few years? going back to the province and opting for the simple, uncomplicated life is too far from my mind now. i'm simply not contented of being some sort of a fish in a miniscule pond with not so much to see and get. i guess i got too greedy.

Song for the Moment:
she drinks a champagne dream
strawberry surprise
pink linen on white paper
lavender and cream
fields of butterflies
reality escapes her

she says that love
is for fools that fall behind
i'm somewhere between
never really know
a killer from a savior
til i break at the bend

we're here and now
will we ever be again?
coz i have found
all that shimmers in this world
is sure to fade away again

"shimmer" -fuel

happy 2006

2006-01-02T00:50:00.000+08:00

another year...just expect the worst and hope for the best. yeah, right. as for me, life would take a wild turn this year. i simply don't know what would happen to me.

the other night, i had some sort of reunion with a few of my high school batchmates. i haven't seen most of them for such a long time now. we drunk at my house. we talked about those old days. our reminiscing was facilitated by our yearbook. a mugshot can really elicit a lot of memories from the past. we came across the picture of this guy named Nehemias Banaag. From what we can remember about him, he was the most notorious kleptomaniac in the batch. he would set his sight on your ballpen, the Hello! chocolate bar at the canteen, and whatever else. if one has been a victim of Nehemias', there's a big probability that the victim would try to make things equal--even if the object of his vengeance was not Nehemias anymore. so, the cycle continues... i guess kleptomania was already a part of our culture back then--along with name-calling (esp. on the physical aspect), gay bashing, panty-peeking (the college girls wore skirts as part of their uniform on MWFs and we love those days, considering that it was still regarded as normal unlike in college when such an act is seen as perverse).
the time came when everyone has to go home. there was this guy named braggy boy who took with him the unconsumed alcohol. it was ok with me. but he further attempted to bring home some christmas wreaths, hiding those bulky things underneath his jacket. i guess he was thinking that he could get away with such a feat when everyone's drunk. tsk tsk.
the next morning, i checked out our mess. i discovered that even the ash tray was now gone and some other small things. go, braggy boy. i've forgotten that he was also a klepto. i should have been more wary. i guess reminiscing about the old days wasn't called for. people haven't changed that much. it's still very much the same.

last sem

2005-11-08T16:34:00.000+08:00

it's back to school again in a few days. this time, it's my last semester in college. i'm keeping my fingers crossed. i always idealize that the last should always be the best.

our haunted house

2005-11-07T17:20:00.000+08:00

halloween's over yet my spine's still chilling. on all souls' day, our helper told us that there's an aswang on our roof! she saw it sometime way back in August. according to her, she saw a stooping dark figure with flaming red eyes and it was staring at her direction. up to this time i still can't shrug off this cowardly feeling. it takes a lot of courage on my part to switch off the lights near the area where that aswang was. i wouldn't believe our helper if only i myself didn't heard a droning sound and saw a darth vader silhouette in our backyard while i was still a kid.

i used to go out of the house at unholy hours to sneak a smoke, but now i can't do it anymore. that aswang had a lot of places to go but it ended up in our house. damn unwelcomed iskwater!

boored

2005-10-29T17:47:00.000+08:00

during the sem, i looked forward for the break. but i realized doing nothing can be as torturous as finishing the thesis. that might be a wrong analogy. well, being stuck in the house and being broke has dreadful consequences. that translates to gnawing boredom. as for me, there goes the utterances of "my life sucks!" to our askal dog. is this what i looked forward to? yeah, what a big loser.

the other night i was too restless to sleep. it was because i slumbered a huge chunk of my afternoon away out of being useless. it's common knowledge that boredom drives people to do the craziest of things. i thought of something to do. what about a taste of adrenaline? speed... dad's car... i tried to resist... but i'm weak. so i gave in. the only problem was that it was a pretty difficult maneuver to drive the car out of the gate, given that i would be on the reverse while taking a left turn on a slope, at the same time watching for passing cars or people. it was still worth the trouble i guess. maybe next time, i would be too old to do these stupid things. i had to talk to my sister to keep mum about it. she agreed. it was now down to business. i started the engine. i thought that maybe it would be easier if i don't have to reverse while getting out of that darn gate. so i made a left turn on our yard. and i almost hit the narra tree. stupid. all the while, the car was shaking up and breaking down because of my lousy driving. for the 3rd time that the engine went dead. an ominous light caught my attention. it indicated that something was now wrong with the engine and the battery. now i couldn't even start the darn car. my god. i ended up pushing it back to the garage. idiot, i realized it's not worth the trouble. i prayed that dad wouldn't get mad the next day and just take it as a piece of bad luck not someone's wrongdoing. the only good thing was that i was able to sleep immediately after that. lesson learned.

sapakan na lang!

2005-10-25T15:50:00.000+08:00

it's funny when things heat up during a drinking session, just because of an intellectual discussion. a friend's hs barkada celebrated the first few days of the sembreak together and i butted in and lived up to my 'epal' self. so there, my friend had this problem and he wanted some advise. the problem was on how to propose to a girl that he's crazy about. there were three of us trying to dupe him that it was just a piece of cake. This, despite the fact that the three of us never had any experience on having a girlfriend (SSB-single since birth). somewhere somehow, the topic suddenly shifted to the mind-boggling question on whether God exists or not. it picked up momentum, things started to get nasty. one's argument could now be countered with an insult, character assassination and a hideous laugh. at one point: "lasing ka na! pare, uwiin mo na nga 'to". still, neither any of the two would concede. after maybe an hour, one stood up, took a stance, and offered to bring it all down to a brawl. oh yeah. i guess that would determine who's right or wrong. the other, not that aggressive, just continued fidgetting with the computer and didn't mind him that much. my friend just acted as the mediator. he tried to calm down the drunken aggressor, reiterated that the whole thing would not change anything--they're all still friends. and the other one, agreed to it enthusiastically. cool. the aggressor; sat down, kept quiet the whole time and occasionally murmured "what kind of thinking is that?" while shaking his head. He's still aggravated by the agnostic's proposition--"if I cannot know God then, I don't care".

man, the sem's over and you two are still talking about philosophy/theology.

no one's apparently there. so i guess, i just have to live life for myself. there's no promise of an absolute.

got burned

2005-09-15T17:10:00.000+08:00

defense's over. and i'm not happy with it. it turned out to be a disaster. i didn't even foreseen that there was a big blopper on our part. our data, instead of being an annual average of values, was actually an average for only 7 days! wtf. my partner just blurted out the sad truth to the panel. i was just as surprised as them. he was the only one who knew it. so there goes the barrage of recommendations or rather criticisms, which all translate to the implication that we were so stupid. it's just so basic. you cannot take a value of 7 for 365. that's statistically so dim-witted!

anxious nervous system

2005-09-12T21:58:00.000+08:00

thesis defense tomorrow. probably. it makes me cringe. i hate having those oral presentations with an audience. i have this sort of anxiety disorder about such a thing. well, maybe in all things that i do, like driving or simply playing a pc game. weird... maybe i should check out with a neurologist or something like that. something's wrong with me. anyway, i had my long, long report on our elective this afternoon. i have to down a shot of gin just to get over it. it was my friend's advise. he said that it's a gradual coping mechanism. take it one step at a time. maybe it would be a lot easier the next time i don't depend on it. well, he's a psychology major and i get persuaded with that simple fact, nevertheless his argument. i abandoned that overrrated, righteous cliche that one has to confront the problem squarely. i might get traumatized if it's too much. and the fear would never be killed, it would only overwhelm you.

oh, thesis is such a pain in the ass. i've never been so stressed out with anything unlike that bullshit. the moment i'm done with the defense, it's all over, virtually. and another thing, thesis might not only involve a test of the intellect, it also includes the test of relations--if it's a group thesis. ahem.

not mine!

2005-09-08T14:49:00.000+08:00

FACT: The apocalypse has come. All are dead. You never should've asked her out.

The Last Man on Earth

Shit, rejected again. You are The Last Man on Earth. Sorry, but most women would rather see the human species wither to an end--and therefore deny the most fundamental instinct that living creatures have--than sleep with you. We've learned the following: you don't think things through. You're haphazard. You're dangerous. You're somewhat inexperienced. It's totally obvious that you're a horny bugger, as well. Everybody knows that and steers clear. To top things off, when you do find your way into a relationship, you tend to be a dick somewhere down the line and fuck it all up.

Your exact opposite: The Gentleman

ALWAYS AVOID: The Sonnet

CONSIDER: Half-Cocked, The Nymph

There's a small, but negligible, chance we're wrong. In any case, your friends find your shit hilarious. There's nothing cooler than a dude reducing himself to human rubble.

www.okcupid.com/oktest

HAHAHHAHAH!!!!

messing up

2005-08-30T21:09:00.000+08:00

this week's hell. and i am finding myself in the worst state of procrastination ever. in two days, the final draft of our thesis is due and i've got a long test in history on the same day. i'm still on point zero in both. i'm only midway with my review on our midterms in some elective and that's tomorow. and right now, i have the urge to play some stupid video game. and i'm gonna give in to it!

twenteen

2005-08-23T16:01:00.000+08:00

just turned 20 2 days ago. 20... i'm not a teen-ager anymore. i feel weird probably because i don't have the license to be that carefree anymore. and i used to be not in tune with people who are 3-5 years older than me. it's like i'm becoming like them now. they seem to be so serious and self-righteous though they're very susceptible to critique because of their hypocrisy. i just don't like them. i'm just generalizing here.i guess all i want to say here is i don't want to grow old (people turn grumpy) but only to grow up.

wishful thinker

2005-08-01T21:03:00.000+08:00

i need a savior now
is heaven around?
i'm calling out...

what the fuck can i do? i dunno. i'm so fucking helpless again. and in moments like this, i turn to the last resort--god.i'm here begging for a some sign or a divine intervention or perhaps a miracle. stupid. this isn't the way providence works. i know that but i just can't live with it.

i can't sleep

2005-07-19T16:05:00.000+08:00

last night, i had an attack of insomnia again. must be from getting so hyper from all the school work or must be from taking a nap in the afternoon. it's almost 7 in the morning when i finally sucumb to oblivion. worse, i wasn't able to get myself out of bed for my philo class at 10:30. we had a quiz and i prepared for it. what a waste.

uaap and my stupid thesis

2005-07-10T20:50:00.000+08:00

ateneo lost to la salle in the opening game of the season. and it was a blowout. at least, intal's dunk and aguilar's blocks compensated for the landslide. yeah!

i feel like i'm messing up my thesis. i don't have a clue on what to do with it. why do my partner have to insist on a topic in which we're completely brain-blank? and my lousy adviser is useless. the only answer that she can give us is: "go to the library and climb the stairs, you'll find the answer there".nice.

nba

2005-06-25T21:00:00.000+08:00

the san antonio sopot spurs won the nba finalS!! motherfuckers! i hate pinochio ginobili especially his snotty, crooked big nose! i want that to be sliced off in the bloody gallows!! and i also hate parker! i couldn't tell why. i couldn't take to watch their moment of triumph. it's the team that i like the least in the nba.pfft.

the wild outdoors

2005-04-12T17:30:00.000+08:00

the other day, boredom sent me to our backyard to sneak a smoke. with the rundown makeshift fencing and untamed vegetation, that place somehow gives me the pastoral feel. as i went down to my business, i noticed two cats fighting with each other. yeah, it's another bunch of those tresspassers from our neighbor who raise chickens, ducks, pigs, cats and dogs and whatever else. after brooding about how bored i was for a few minutes, i happened to glance at the direction were the pussies were. i realized they were frolicking with each other. the smaller one kept rolling on the dirt, with her limbs spread out. the brute must have been aroused by that. so he mounted her and they were banging each other, just like how the dogs do the deed, except that the female's tail was turned sideways. it was kinda grotesque. i took a closer look and the brute was startled and ran off to some distance. he seemed to be glowering at me. he must be pissed with my voyeurism. so i walked away and gave them their privacy. i found a stupid smile on my face. at least, i had some ribald entertainment for some time.

soul searching

2005-03-29T16:35:00.000+08:00

i'm back in the boondocks. time seem to have stopped in this place. i have nothing worthwhile to do. the past few days have been filled with moments where i find myself staring blankly at nothing and thinking about stupid things. but i'm not going to rant and bitch about this. maybe i can make good use of that boredom. after all, there are a lot of things to ponder with regard to what i am and what this life is all about. life is going to take another crucial turn quite soon and i feel like i'm not yet prepared for it. i feel the anxiety inside me. some crises have been bugging my brains out and they're still far from being resolved. i have to think thoroughly because i'm confused and lost. i'm gonna engage in this little reflection til i go crazy!!!

...

2005-03-21T15:38:00.000+08:00

i'm a big liar. i lied small at first but it turned out big because shit happens. sorryy.

"olats"

2005-03-19T09:33:00.000+08:00

lately, i've been seeing a lot of mismatched couples out there. the girl is drop dead gorgeous. the guy looks like... trash. what a contrast it is indeed. with all that duality, i find my self murmuring bitterly, "Olats ka, gago." maybe you people out there have taken notice about this fat bald dork having a chick by his side who is several levels above him. you wonder: how did he do that? maybe he's kind. or whatever. but then, he's still olats. and there's no way he's gonna compensate for that. anyway, being "olats" is probably being in a state of bliss.having the perfect girl despite all your shortcomings is a very tempting idea. what if i end up being "olats", too? then, i'll be happy with my life. i don't have to care about what these envious people are saying because they simply want to be in the same place.the hard part is being able to make the girl stick to you. you have to convince her that the physical is not the only criteria in a person. she has to see something unique in you.and maybe there's really nothing. just devise a deception.

it's over

2005-03-19T09:14:00.000+08:00

just came out of hell a few days ago. now, i'm finally free from all that school stuff. i've been drinking for the last few days, not because of some sort of sense of achievement but becuase of sheer frustration. what really pissed me off was that i flunk all of my finals despite all the effort i gave. i guess luck was also not at my side. extra joss overload didn't make its magic this time. i faltered at the climax, as always. my grades took a dip. now, i'm one mediocre student.

baduy

2005-03-05T14:22:00.000+08:00

emo shit: (para kay yeyen)

ako ay uuwi sa naga
bibili lang ng maligaya
sa bakery niyong moderna
magmukha man akong tanga
ayos lang basta makita ka...

burnout

2005-03-04T09:50:00.000+08:00

2 weeks to go and everything's gonna be over. but hey, that's still 2 weeks of hell. there's just too much work to do that just the mere thought of it burns my mind.my grades are fine so far. i'm a dean's lister as of this time!!!-i think.hehe.the problem is i have a hard time maintaining my grades. i usually make a mess by the time the sem's gonna be over.i'm praying that it won't happen this time around.give it your best shot, boy.make yourself happy and the others, too.

going live

2005-02-28T10:30:00.000+08:00

another blog account for me.. the old one isn't meant to be read by anyone so it's worth deleting lest someone would have a little peek at my severed soul.i didn't want an audience.why the hell did i go live in the first place anyway? this one would be more about the shallow and superficial stuff. i promise that there would be less drama in this one. hekhek.